WIDOWHOOD

Most of us can expect to experience widowhood either directly or through our parents, relatives or friends, but we are usually totally unprepared. Awareness of the stages of grief can help us through a difficult time.

Although nothing except time can assuage grief and the pain of losing someone with whom you have shared your life, it may help those coping with their own loneliness with that of those closer to them top know that there are various stages of mourning which everyone passes through after the death of a partner or a person who was very dear. Once this is understood we will stop expecting too much of ourselves- and those around may find it easier to offer the right support at the right time.

After the death of a husband or wife most people will be in state of shock for some time. This is usually the case even if the death has been long expected. In fact, the partner drained by months of anxiety or exhausted by nursing is s likely to be as dazed and numb as the person for whom it is a sudden tragedy.

SUPPORT AND SYMPATHY

What is needed in those first few days is comfort and practical help from those closet to the bereaved. Dealing with funeral arrangements, making sure there is enough ready money, and seeing that there is food in the house are all practical matters that can be of great assistance; so, too, is telling those who need to be told of the death, intercepting phone calls and making sire there is enough peace and privacy if that is what is needed. Of course it must all be done tactfully. The widow or widower must be consulted, but will probably not want to be burdened with detail. Quite often he or she may be so dazed that it is difficult to take things in and those around have to be very patient and sensitive - information may have to be repeated many times in order to get a simple decision.

Although during the first few days after a bereavement a widow or widower who has close family and friends around will not need visits from others, expressions of sympathy in the form of a short note or phone call are always appreciated. There is a need to feel that the dead person was important to others as well, and such messages are very consoling. It is even better, of course, if these messages can be followed up, perhaps a week or so after relatives have gone home, and the bereaved person is beginning to feel really alone. A short visit, which shows your concern and gives the opportunity to talk about feelings, can mean a great deal; and a little later, an invitation to a meal, or even a shopping trip can be very supportive.

SHARING GRIEF

When there is no close family, support from friends and neighbors is crucial right from the start. And it is not all on. We all have fears about dying o being left behind. Comforting an listening to those who have faced death in their own lives can give us strength an help us to confront our own fears.

In the early stages, the best comfort you can offer is to sit with people quietly and listen to them and let them share their grief. Crying with other people is often better than crying alone, so let them cry. It is also far better than bottling your feelings. If you were close to the person who has died, or if you feel very moved don't feel ashamed of crying too. Sharing tears in this way may bring you closer than words of sympathy can. But of course sharing feelings is not the same as losing control. The last thing a bereaved person can cope with is uncontrolled emotion from others.

Remember, too, that a hug or some other warm gesture may be more appropriate than lots of words - and- can be more reassuring. The affection and contact that is taken for granted in many marriages has suddenly vanished. The bereaved need affection from others to assure them they are not totally alone.

Relatives may feel that a doctor should be asked for Tranquilizers or sleeping pills, but it is probably generally better if feelings can be allowed to run their course. Tranquillizers will only postpone the time when pain is felt. Feelings need to be expressed and worked through even if it means crying all night. The best support is a friend or relative prepared to help by staying during those early days. Of course, everyone reacts differently and some may prefer to remain on their own.

CHILDREN

If there are children they also will need support and care. The parent who has left may have little emotional or physical energy to cope with their needs. Friends and neighbors can help with practical things such as shopping and making meals, taking the children to school and having them in to play.

Naturally the widow or widower still needs to know that their children are there, and it is important that they are allowed to see and share in their parent's grief. After all, they are all going to have to support each other in the coming years. They need to be able to talk about their dead parent and what the loss means to them. The most damaging thing for a child is if the death becomes a forbidden subject. Friends and neighbors can help by letting children talk about their dead parent in a natural way.

ADJUSTING TO A NEW ROLE

Unless both partners have worked and shared equally in the running of the home, the death of a partner leaves many unfamiliar problems to cope with. It may be simply cooking or managing the washing; or it might be paying the bills or changing a washer. This comes at a time when it is hardest to find the energy to learn new skills or cope with new routines. And on top of losing a partner a role has been lost - the widow or widower is no longer someone's husband or wife. This loss of role affects even those who were less than happily married. Gradually over the coming months and years they will have to build up a new role for themselves, but no-one should expect it to be easy, because unlike a role in marriage, it is something they will have to do on their own.

Sometimes, after a short period of grief, the widowed person seems to make a remarkable recovery, to be bright and practical and to want to make decisions. Those around should not be deceived. This usually means that he or she is still in a state of shock and the reality of the partner's death has not yet sunk in. Try to discourage any major decision making, such as moving house, during this period since it may well be regretted.

A period of shock is often succeeded by one of searching. The bereaved is unable to accept what has happened and waits for the partner to appear or to phone. The experience of grief may absorb all energy and attention, and there may be emotions so strong that they are literally painful. Sometimes there is a feeling of acute loneliness, at other times anger at the partner for leaving; this anger may be directed at friends and relatives who need to be very patient and understanding.

Often the most devoted and conscientious of partners may amaze relatives with feelings of guilt over some totally trivial incident. Others may vent anger on the doctor or hospital if they feel more should have been done. Relatives should make sure that this sort of anger does not reach the stage where the widowed person refuses to consult a doctor. During the first year of widowhood the bereaved are very vulnerable to illness because of the stress they have experienced and they should keep in touch with their doctor.

OVERCOMING DESPAIR

There is another stage in the grieving process which takes friends and relatives and even the bereaved by surprise. This is the stage, often around five months after the death, when it has finally sunk in that the partner is not coming back. With this acceptance often comes depression and despair. Days seem endless and the future seems bleak. This is the time when most support is needed. It is no good trying to jolly the person out of it. It is a stage of grieving that must be gone through. Until a person accepts and comes to terms with the loss he or she cannot begin to build a new life.

Everyone's reaction to the loss is different, but, generally speaking, adjusting to a new life can take much longer than we realize. There is no steady progression whereby the widowed feel a little stronger each day. It is more a matter of ups and downs. A chance remark or action may throw them back to what seems like square one, but gradually over time the downs get less frequent, though the widowed may always remain very vulnerable.

Anniversaries of the death may be very painful. It's a good idea to try to make sure that the widow or widower is not alone at this time. Christmas and other holidays are also difficult times. Try to invite the widowed person to spend some of the time with you. Even if he or she refuses, it is pleasing to have been asked.