SHYNESS

We are all shy at certain times. Perhaps we are able to cope well with new people and situations, for example, but become easily embarrassed when talking about personal feelings. Or perhaps we have relatively few inhibitions about expressing our views to close friends but become tongue-tied and awkward when asked to air them in public. As long as we are aware of these areas of shyness, and are reasonably confident in other ways, we can probably learn to handle them so that our lives are not unduly affected. We may accept that it is better to avoid the one or two occasions that make us feel nervous; or, better still, we may decide to tackle our shyness in the situations and try to overcomes it-gaining in the process a great sense of self-achievement.

For some people, overcoming shyness presents a far greater ordeal because they have allowed this feeling to dominate their lives. It has prevented them from making the friends they would like to have, and from doing the jobs they are capable of. It has made them feel lonely and dissatisfied. The shy and vulnerable young person who receives no help and makes no effort to relate to others may easily become withdrawn and bitter as he or she grows older.

SHYNESS- HOW IT FEELS

When we feel shy we feel ill at ease. We are unable to behave in a normal, relaxed manner. We are so afraid of appearing stupid or awkward that we often end up unable to say anything. If we do manage to stammer out a sentence, we then feel abashed. It sounded so different from what we had intended, perhaps even a little rude or abrupt. In our embarrassment we become so self-absorbed that we often forget that the people to whom we are talking may feel equally diffident.

It is quite usual for people to feel like this when they are introduced to someone they greatly admire or when they have to attend a function at which they know no one. But some people experience this nervousness several times a day: when they are asked a question in class; when they have to ask for something in a shop; or even when they have to make a simple telephone call.

The trouble with this sort of shyness is that it is self-perpetuating. The more tense they become over each incident, the less well they cope, and the more nervous they feel the next time. But the more they avoid such situations, the less practice they will have in dealing with them and relating to people at different levels.

FACING THE PROBLEM

If this describes the way shyness is inhibiting your life, the only way to break down this barrier is through a combination of determination and ordinary commonsense.

You must really want to overcome your shyness and not use it as a convenient excuse for not facing up to reality. You must tackle it systematically, in small stages. There is no miracle solution. If you find it difficult to ask for anything in a shop without blushing, you are not suddenly going to transform yourself overnight into the life and soul of the party.

Set yourself small goals each week which you feel you can achieve and which will gradually build up your confidence in talking to people, even strangers. Stop and admire the new baby up the road, chat with the lady exercising her dog or offer to do some shopping for an elderly neighbour. These are are small gestures, unlikely to be rebuffed. And because you have made the initial effort, the people concerned will probably feel warmly towards you and come more than half-way to help you over your shyness.

Concentrate on getting to know people in situations where you feel most yourself. It is easier to relax and talk naturally to someone if you are both doing something active at the some time. For example, you may be working together on a project, involved in some sort or perhaps just washing up after a meal. It does not matter then about those awkward silences because you are each doing something else. And just because you are not desperately concerned about appearing interesting or amusing, conversation is more likely to flow. Moreover, doing things with other people enables you to get to know one another at a slower pace. This is an advantage for you as a shy person since you may have many good qualities that are not apparent at a first meeting.

Parties and other purely social gatherings, which are designed for people to get to know each other better, can sometimes be quite difficult even for the most confident people to handle. Making conversation in such surroundings with people you hardly know or have never met before can be quite a strain, so, if you are very shy, it may be worth avoiding them until you have built up your confidence a little more.

RELATING TO OTHERS

Shy people tend to look inwards and analyses their own feelings. They are often so absorbed in their problems that they have little thought to spare for others. But while many people are sympathetic to the shy and try to encourage and support them, their patience is not endless. They need to feel that there is some return and that their efforts are appreciated. What shy people tend to forget is that their outgoing friends may be just as sensitive and vulnerable. They have just learned to cope rather better with everyday life.

So, if a friend always includes you in invitations, try to reciprocate. You do not have to do anything as daunting as throwing a party. An invitation to a meal which you have taken special care preparing, or offers to help with moving, for example, or decorating might all be appropriate. Sharing experiences like these often leads to closer relationships, which apart from being rewarding in themselves, will bolster your confidence.

Another way very shy people can gradually build up their confidence is through extending their interests and making contact with people who share them. If you enjoy rambling, visiting old country churches, playing chess or if you feel politically involved, your shyness will not prove a barrier to like-minded enthusiasts. You will be drawn into activities and drawn out of yourself because the common interest will give you plenty to talk about. Most people are delighted when they find someone who shares their feelings about a subject. And once you have broken through to talk about one topic, it becomes easier to make conversation at a general level as well. If you work hard at it, you may find that you have a more diverse and interesting group of friends than someone who makes relationships more easily and takes them for granted.

Shy people can also learn to relate to other people while at the same time doing something worthwhile, such as involving themselves in some sort of voluntary activity. Finding that one has a real contribution to make, usually at one’s own pace and in uncompetitive surroundings, can do much to raise self-esteem. Moreover, in many voluntary activities a tentative, diffident approach may be more welcome than a bossy, managing one.

SHYNESS IN CHILDREN

We are all born with different temperaments which to some extent determine how shy we are and how we handle our shyness.

A good many children have extrovert personalities. They adapt confidently to new people and new situations. They are eager to explore and take risks. They seem to have no fear of the unknown. Others, even from the same family, are more shy and hesitant. They are less outgoing towards people they do not know well.

But, just as the extroverted child needs encouragement from his parents and teachers to be more thoughtful and reflective in order to develop a rounded personality, so the shy and introverted child needs help and support in getting used to new situations and people and in learning to handle them in a confident manner.

Children need approval. This does not mean letting them do whatever they want. It means showing them you like them for themselves and building up their confidence so that they see themselves as pleasant individuals with a lot to give.

As they develop, children go through different phases of shyness. A baby who has gone happily to anyone, even to strangers, often goes through an extremely clinging and timid phase, at about the age of one year. A gregarious and confident child may become shy and hesitant for a while as he or she copes with the very confusing feelings of adolescence. Children under stress or faced with situations, such as a change of school, may also behave with less confidence for a time. Parents need to be especially understanding and supportive to their children during these periods. Providing a loving, stable background will help them to overcome their shyness quickly; pushing them or, worse still, teasing them will not.