MOTHERHOOD

Though motherhood is now more a matter of choice, it still represents one of the greatest challenges. How can women rise to it – so enriching themselves and their families?

Now that families are smaller and our life expectancy has increased, bringing up young children takes up less of our lives. It seems therefore all the more important to enjoy it fully while it lasts and to make the most of the unique satisfactions that it offers. Too often, sadly, women seem to waste these years and when children are small they chafe to be back in the ‘outside world’. But motherhood can call on – and create – a variety of talents and skills, and can be immensely rewarding.

EARLY BONDING

We are realizing more and more just how crucial are the early months in a baby’s life. Interaction with the mother starts from birth and the more the mother and baby respond to each other the closer the bond between them becomes. This forms the basis for the mother’s feelings about the child: her love, protectiveness and confidence in handling him or her.

Very small babies need the stimulation of being talked to and played with cuddled and taken for walks in order to aid their emotional development.

All mother should insist on spending at least three months with their babies before returning to work to ensure that the relationship between them is well established.

PREPARATION

Once you know you are pregnant it is important that you attend your doctor or antenatal clinic regularly for check ups.

Involve your partner as much as possible in the preparation for the baby. Encourage him to attend antenatal classes with you and to help in choosing clothing and equipment for the baby and to be present at the birth, if that is what you both want.

It is also a good idea to make sure you have sorted out any possible problems in your new way of life before the baby is born. If it is a first baby and you are giving up work your income is going to be reduced. How is to be spent? If you are used to earning you may feel resentful at having to ask your partner for extras. It is something that should be carefully discussed beforehand.

The same goes for household chores. If you have been used to sharing domestic tasks then it makes sense of your husband to continue to help you, though perhaps to a lesser extent. Shopping and housework will seem less of a bore if your husband can sometimes step in and he in turn will feel more involved in the home and family. Persuading him to help once you have a baby, if you have allowed him to get away with doing nothing before, may be an uphill struggle. He may see the domestic side as entirely your province but it is important that he is able to take over both for his own self-confidence and in case your are tired or ill. And the same goes for all aspects of baby and child care. Children feel more secure if there are two people not only to love and play with them, but also to feed and wash them, change their nappies and put them to bed.

ADAPTATION

A mother to be should look forward to her new life realistically. Her child or children may be very fulfilling but unless she has friends and interests of her own she may sometimes feel bored and lonely; so try to make as many new friends as you can in the neighbourhood.

Keep up your old interests as well or start some new ones. It is easy to lose confidence once you stop working and an evening class or club where you meet new people is one way of maintaining yourself esteem. Remember, the happier and more alert you are the better for you and the rest of the family.

It is important, too, not to neglect your relationship with your husband through your absorption with your baby. Try to get out together in the evenings sometimes. If you have no kind relative and baby sitters are too expensive see if thee is a baby sitting circle in your area where parents take it in turns to sit for each other. If not, why not start one?

Many mothers worry about being too strict or too permissive, but if you can relax and be in tune with your children you will probably do the right thing instinctively. It is a question of putting yourself in their shoes, and imagining how they feel, before deciding as a parent, what is the most constructive thing to do.

Give your children plenty of love and attention and they are likely to become independent and self-reliant because they feel secure themselves. It is when a parent substitutes sweets or presents for the love and attention she has not time to give that the trouble starts. The child becomes spoilt and badly behaved because it craves its parents interest. Its whine for another ice cream is really a plea to be treated as an individual.

Of course some guidelines are necessary for the child’s health and safety and to help him develop into a pleasant and responsible person. You should be consistent abut rules you make and explain the reasons for them as soon as the child can understand. The world is a bewildering place and sensible guidance is often a relief to the child. This provides him with a secure framework within which to operate, whether it is brushing his teeth before bed or doing his home work before watching television.

Every child is a unique individual. The more the parent treats the child as a person, the sooner the child will see those around him as individuals with their own feelings, and the more the child is treated with politeness and respect, the more likely he is to be polite and courteous too.

Part of understanding your child’s individuality is to realize that all children have different potentialities and all develop at different rates, emotionally, physically and intellectually. Unless your child seems very backward in one area, in which case you should seek expert guidance, try not to compare his performance with those around him.

FAMILY SIZE

It is now very much a matter of choice whether you have one or more children and how you space them. It is best not to take the decision until you have had the first baby and see how you cope. Some people who want more than one child prefer to space them out and give them each as much individual time and attention as possible. Others wish to have them close together, because they feel that they are more company for each other. Each has it advantages.

If you have an only child or one child much younger than another you will need to make sure that he is not restricted to adult company. See he has plenty of friends to play with so that he can learn to share and interact with children of his own age. With a family of children close together you will need to compensate in a different way. You will want to ensure that each child gets a little individual attention from you each day and encouragement to develop his interests.

Be clear about priorities. Playing with your child and doing something together is far more important than in immaculately tidy house. Similarly a child who is allowed to dig in the garden or paint in the kitchen will be happier and more contented than one whose mother is always worried about keeping him clean.

The same goes for food. Why spend hours preparing elaborate meals when your child is equally happy with simple dishes? As long as he has a balanced diet with plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables, there is no need to worry. Moreover, children often go through a fussy eating stage and refuse their food, often it seems just to try their parent’s patience. If you are more relaxed at mealtimes they are more likely to eat.

WORKING

Some mothers have to continue working outside the home while their children are young, for financial reasons. Others may find being at home makes them so tense and irritable that they make their own and everyone else’s life a misery. In this case they are really better returning to case they are really better returning to work. But if you do decide to do this when your children are young you must make sure you have made really satisfactory alternative arrangements for them.

They need to be cared for by someone who is warm and friendly and will give them lots of affection throughout the day. They also need constant stimulation if they are to develop properly so make sure lots of games and toys are available and that whoever looks after them plays with them and takes them for walks.

Children of school age should not come home to an empty house. If you are at work arrange for someone to meet them and look after them until you get home or arrange for them until you get home or arrange for them to stay with another mother with children. Whatever happens make sure your children and their teachers are certain about arrangements.

If you are away from home your children will need lots of love and attention from you when you are there, however tired you feel. Try to organize your day so that you spend at least a couple of hours each evening playing with, listening to and attending to your children. It may mean letting the house get untidy and leaving the shopping till weekends but this is much more important. Make sure your partner plays his part as well in helping with the chores.

Of course if you are a single parent your may have no option about working and no one to share the burden once you get home. But time spent with your children will be even more important in giving them that extra security they need.